


Slit

by The Missus (schwarmerei1)



Series: The Paper Series [2]
Category: E.R.
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-20
Updated: 2012-10-20
Packaged: 2017-11-16 23:09:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schwarmerei1/pseuds/The%20Missus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kim digests Kerry’s letter<br/>Spoilers: Up to 7.22 “Rampage”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slit

**Author's Note:**

> This series was written between _Where the Heart is_ and _Rampage_ and begins when Kim gets Kerry’s letter.  Between Lori and the letter, the angst was unbearable, and I stopped work on the first series to get this all down and out.

_ “Call me if you want to have lunch this week, Kim, and finish your tea.”  “Okay,” Kim said threadily.  “I will.” _

Kim finished her tea as she’d promised, though it failed to warm her much.  The mug was empty but its residual heat felt good in her left hand.  Her right crept back into her desk drawer and fingered Kerry’s letter.  

She thought of her sitting alone, writing it. What draft number was this?  Kim knew Kerry would have composed it on her computer, reworking it until each word was true to her sentiment.  But afterward she had taken the extra time to write it out; she had used her hands to tell these things to Kim.  Kim wondered how long Kerry had been wrangling her emotions against her natural reticence in order to release this rich witness to her.  She imagined, as she skimmed her fingertips across the envelope’s fuzzy opened edge, that if she were to gather the leaves of this letter together and squeeze them, some moisture would escape to trickle down her hand, so dense was Kerry’s presence in its language.

Unbidden, images of their first night together convected through Kim’s memory.  “Stop it... just stop it,” Kim said aloud, setting down her mug and bringing both hands to her head.  She circled her fingertips against her forehead in an effort to keep from crying, and she succeeded.  Neither the massage nor her dry eyes, however, kept her mind quiet.  

Images of Kerry’s lips first parting for Kim’s kiss, Kerry’s stiff body beginning to accept Kim’s touch, the rapture on Kerry’s face the very first time she had run her fingers over Kim’s mouth: Kim could not stop her senses’ catalog.  She rocked back and forth with her lower lip between her teeth and a wretched low moan stuck in her throat.  Her eyes were tightly shut.  If she wept she might scream and so she did not weep.  Her voice quieted eventually but her body, neither relaxed nor resigned, held its pose.  Despite her essential tension Kim dozed, unable to even process the basic question of whether or not she should sleep.

The knock on her door startled her awake.  And then a second knock, and before Kim’s eyes focused fully, before she could untuck her blanket and stand, Lori opened Kim’s door and peeked inside.  “Kim?”

The sight of her in the doorframe shocked Kim mute.  She blinked uncomprehendingly at the sweet look of concern on Lori’s face. ‘Damn Don for not locking the door,’ Kim thought.  Lori stepped into Kim’s office and shut the door behind herself.

“Kim, we were supposed to meet for dinner at six...”

Kim sat bolt upright.  “What time is it?!”

“Half past seven,” Lori said gently.  “I got worried when you hadn’t called.”

“Oh, my God, Lori... I’m so sorry.”  Kim rubbed the bridge of her nose.

“A, um, nurse said you were still here and that I could check in on you... I hope I’m not...”

“Oh, no, no.  It’s fine.  I’m sorry, I just...”

“Were you asleep?  You look like you just woke up.”

“I did, Lori.  I... I can’t have dinner with you tonight.”

“Oh.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Um.  Well, okay.  Okay....”  Lori was bewildered.  “Is everything okay, Kim?”

“Nothing, Lori, nothing is okay right now.  I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting, to have made you worry.  And... “

“And?”

“And I can’t... I can’t have dinner with you Lori, I can’t...”  and Kim did begin to cry.  “I’ll call you... to... to reschedule....”  Kim reached for a handful of tissues.

Lori went toward her but Kim held up her hands.  “No, no, I’m... I’m fine.”  Kim snuffled and wiped her eyes.  “I’m fine.  Thanks, though.”

Lori sat in the chair Don had vacated earlier and put a hand on Kim’s knee.  She was quiet a long moment.

“This,” Lori indicated Kim’s blanket and tissues, “This is all about Kerry, isn’t it?”

Kim nodded.

“Kim,” she said seriously, “don’t feel like you have to reschedule, okay.”

Kim blinked confusion at her.

“Well, if you can stand _taking_ advice in your office....”  

Kim managed a small smile, and shrugged.  Lori touched her cheek.

“I think you should talk to her.  You can’t function this way, Kim.”  Lori smiled to warm the teasing in her next words.  “And really Kim, if a long night with me didn’t even take the _edge_ off, well... there just might not be any help for you out there.”  

Kim snorted a harsh laugh.  Lori’s eyes twinkled.  Kim nodded, but with a hint of a smile; Lori’s sweet warmth was just irresistible.  “Maybe,” she acquiesced.

Lori stood and kissed the top of Kim’s head.  “Thank you, Kim, for a great evening.  I had wonderful, beautiful, splendid evening.”  She held her briefly.  “I’m leaving in three weeks, and I won’t expect a call from you.  But if you find you need to get in touch with me, you know where I’m staying.”

“Thank you, for... everything,” Kim said quietly.  She held Lori’s hand a moment.  “I’m sorry.”

Lori lay a long index finger along Kim’s strong jawline and tilted her face up to look at her directly.  “I’m not.”  She brushed her cool lips across Kim’s forehead.  “G’bye, Tiger.”

Kim smiled briefly.  “G’bye.”

After Lori closed the door Kim let her head fall back into her hands.  She weighed the option of going home against the idea of crawling over to the couch to sleep.  As entropy failed to ease her chill, inertia failed to ease her exhaustion; the couch won out by virtue of its proximity.  

She was too long for it, but she draped herself so that her legs hung off the end with the armrest comfortably supporting her knees.  Her low back stretched gently and that felt good.  Kim put the stadium blanket around her shoulders like a shawl and pulled the patterned wool blanket from the back of the couch across the rest of her body.  Her windowless office wasn’t bright to begin with, and she was far too weary to deal with the light switch all the way across the room.  Kim had learned to sleep anywhere early in her residencies, and true to form, her body fell quickly into something close to restful sleep.

She didn’t hear the janitor open her door and take her wastebaskets.  She didn’t hear him when he clicked off the overhead light, smiling at her adorable sleeping face.  He left her side lamp on, and twisted the rod on the blinds covering the frosted glass panel of her door until only a slit of light came through.  He was, after all, in the business of providing small kindnesses, though he did wonder briefly if she was the type to notice.  She looked such an innocent sleeper, he thought she must be.

When Kim woke it was nearly eleven o’clock.  She stretched, stood, and stretched again, yawning until her jaw clicked.  Her competing urges for food and the bathroom were not difficult to prioritize.  She crossed the hall to the washroom, peed, washed her face and hands, and ran wet fingers through her hair.  She decided to get something from the vending machines to nosh on the way home in the car.  She might get a few more hours of sleep in before she had to be back on duty.  As she returned to her office to find her shoes and coat she marveled at how quiet her normally fast-fire ward could be at night.  

As she put her shoes on, she noted with surprise that her blinds had been closed and her lights were turned off.  She blinked, trying to remember when she had taken care of that detail, but then she noticed that her trash and recycling bins had been emptied as well, and she smiled fondly.  She’d have to remember to thank Seth for his thoughtfulness tomorrow.

She hit the vending machines pretty hard, grabbing a snack sized bag of her favorite chips, a twenty-ounce Mountain Dew, two Slim-Jims, and a cookies and cream candy bar.  ‘Breakfast of champions,’ she thought to herself wryly, ‘Oh, well!’  She almost dropped the entire carbocopia, though, at the sight of a very tired Kerry Weaver stepping out of the elevator and walking right toward her.  

Kerry stopped and blinked at her, hard.  “Kim?  What are you... I mean, weren’t you on days?”  Kerry noted Kim’s cargo and wished she had it in her to smile.

“Kerry....” Kim breathed. “I... I was just heading home.”

“Have you been here all night?  Excuse me.”  Kerry brushed past her to punch a few buttons on the coffee machine.  Kim instinctively stepped over her crutch.  The thin brown liquid pulsed into the paper cup as Kerry watched.

“Yeah, I have been, but... um... I kinda nodded off for awhile, so it wasn’t all work.”

“Good.  Ah... have a safe trip home then, okay?”  Kerry found a cereal bar in the vending machine and waited for it to drop.  

“Okay.  You too.”

Kim waited to Kerry to pass her again.  She let her get back to the elevator and press the button before she blurted, “Have you?”

“What?”

“Been here all night?”

“Ah, yeah.  Yes I have.  I was, um... just getting some coffee, and then I was debating calling it a night, actually.”  

“Hey, it’s late, and I have my car, and I can drop you off at your place if you want?”  It was out of Kim’s mouth before she could censor herself.  Kerry was silent, staring at her.  The elevator opened and retreated without her.  

“I read it, Kerry.  I read your letter.”

Kerry watched her carefully, waiting.  When Kim didn’t continue, Kerry spoke softly, “I don’t need a ride, Kim, but thank you.”  She pressed the elevator button again.

The light flashed, but before the doors slid open a second time Kim threw out another question.  “Eat with me, then?”  Kim freed a hand to point to the array of empty cafeteria tables nearby.  

“Kim...” Kerry’s tone had caution in it.  

“What, Kerry,” Kim said sadly, “Can we not even eat together now?”

“Are you sure, Kim?”

“Yes.  I want to sit and eat with you.”

Kerry smiled, pointing to the bouquet of junk food Kim was balancing in her hands, “Are you sure you can call that _eating_?”

Kim’s abbreviated laugh came out as a gulp that made her eyes sting.  She nodded and turned to claim some space for them.


End file.
